A Journey of Learning: Lesson #2 // 一個旅程的學習(第二課)

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祂的愛是無限無底線,我們要幾多,祂總會比更多!God’s love is without limits and boundaries. He always gives us more than we need!

入營的那一個早上,主告訴我:「我將會更深進入妳心。」那會是怎樣?聽到的一刻我真的不曉得會是怎樣的一回事,但很期待,真的很期待。

第一晚,晚會中的一首敬拜歌Be Still,祂讓我重頭再一次感受,再次喚醒了我一些遺忘了的、淡化了的一些過往經歷時的感受 – 祂如何帶領並救贖我回到祂的身邊。記起當天這一首歌,讓我可以支持着、依靠着,讓我可以相信就是如何難過也必可以過。到了今天再聽,就好像真的與祂已經在波濤凶湧中越過了一個又一個的浪,準備踏上征途了。唯一從起初到現在也未曾改變的、也永不改變的就是祂是神,我要安趟、要相信祂是神。

我知道從今晚開始,我與兒子將再次擁有新生命的體驗,是另一次愛與奇妙的旅程,也是一次更深認識神的機會。

今晚有雷有雨有閃電,祂說…

「…雲中倒出水來,天空發出響聲…引導你的百姓好像羊群一般。」詩篇77:17-20

第二日早,在團隊靈修時,我們一起閱讀第二天的靈修資料,這篇的開始寫着「很多人生命中沒有愛,因為他們從來沒有被愛…」。就是這麼簡單的兩句,過去的痛像再一次向我宣告這就是妳,妳就是這裡寫的那一個,我想起我的母親也是這樣;我想起我的兒子;我想起神…我記起我從起初的生日願望是要一份真正的愛,原來我一直追求的愛就是祂,生命中失去的就是祂。因為祂,我才知道什麼是愛;因為祂,我才知道怎樣去愛;更因為祂,我才有力量去愛。我終於找到了,我不會再放手…

就在這一刻祂再次告訴我:「我要更深進入妳心…為妳醫治。」

這一晚,台上所說所唱像將我的心剖開了,祂讓我看到未醫治好的傷口。但同時,祂注入了去面對的勇氣,將我那一份收藏得很嚴密、連自己也瞞過了的對家人的愛也釋放出來,多久未嘗這樣子抽泣、未嘗這樣子訴求。

但更大的醫治與釋放是兒子流出的眼淚…因父母離婚而一直存在心的失落,與不理解、不懂得如何表達他的這一份感受,神就在這個晚上告訴一同經歷此流淚一刻的毎一個,祂沒有忽視任何一個祂創造的,祂知道毎一顆心;祂珍愛毎一顆心,無論是幼是老,都是祂的孩子。

祂的愛是無限無底線,我們要幾多,祂總會比更多!

今日是第一天全天候參預所有環節,開始疲憊,祂說…

「…你和這些百姓必都疲憊;因為這事太重,你獨自一人辦理不了。」出埃及記18:13-27

第三日,從早會靈修到晚會後團隊分享,話題都是「回應神的呼召,到列國傳福音。」我相信自己與兒子在這裡絕不是一個偶然或意外,我們今天在這裡就是要學習回應祂的呼召。我嘗試數算祂對自己說及過或在異像中見過關於「列國傳福音」的召喚,才醒覺祂說了不止一次、兩次…

第一次(也是自己第一次有異像),我飛翔在天空上並雲與雲中間,祂要我知道我將要到不同的地方去,不過那時我還未知有傳褔音這回事,還很傻的以為祂在告訴我將來會遊世界。

第二次,祂通過異像給予我一段經文啟示錄22:1-2「天使又指示我在城內街道當中一道生命水的河,…樹上的葉子乃為醫治萬民。」

第三次、四次以及至無數次祂通過不同的方法告訴我關於「列國」、關於「祂的心意」、關於「祂要在我生命上成就的事」,甚至「為什麼要經歷毎一個鍛鍊」,目標就是要「將福音傳到地極」。

在下午我參予了YWAM(Youth With A Mission International)的學習堂,主講牧師說:「如果你已準備好用神的愛去愛人,無論是到哪裡,哪一個人,我們只要順服,並不要懼怕,因神愛我們,祂必會幫助我們。」

「主啊!我聽袮的,袮說是就是、否就否,袮說到哪裡就哪裡!袮且讓我多次在異像中看到非洲,我可以怎樣去?何時去?還有我世上的家人…」

第四日,昨晚的禱告在今天已得到回應,今日是一個感恩的日子!

「感謝主!我世上的家人全是袮的孩子,是不可否定的,袮愛他們比我更多。感謝袮讓我有勇氣且懂得如何對他們說我需要你、我愛你!請幫助我心意更新而變化,能成為感受到袮心意的人、袮的用人、袮的愛人。」

「感謝主!讓我重新擁有夢想,夢想自己可以到每一個地方為你而跳舞。」

「感謝主!讓我的生命可以成為別人的安慰與鼓勵。」

「感謝主!這晚上兒子的代禱事項是永遠與媽媽在一起。」

感謝主!

在感謝中,祂說…

「耶和華說:我知道我向你們所懷的意念,是賜平安的意念,不是降災禍的意念,要叫你們末後有指望。」耶利米書29:11

今日更感疲憊,再一日只睡了三個小時。祂說…

「…祂禁食四十晝夜,後來就餓了。那試探人的進前來…」馬太福音4:1-11

第五日,營會最後一日,同時是第五日看到同樣的問題:「我今天可做什麼能取悅主的心?我今天怎樣才能更深認識袮?」我知道這是我在這世界上的終身問題。

但是今日的我心中同時擁有一個很急切的問題:「主啊!在這五日為什麼我不停看到身旁姊妹的需要與傷害,但自己卻好像沒有需要與傷害,像什麼也看得通似的,沒有什麼再值得憂愁,也沒有任何軟弱似的?我記得袮說過我們軟弱的時候,同時是因你而剛強…這一刻,我覺得我出了問題。」我完全不能相信自己沒有軟弱,但我沒有答案,可是卻有一個感動「答案會在短宣起程後出現」。

晚上的特會是過去數日中最興奮、最瘋狂的一次。誰說「聽福音」是悶蛋的人?跳的、叫的,扶老携幼,我與六歲的兒子也在其中,全身被汗濕透,「正」!

而更「正」是兒子在這次的旅程結交了很多好伙伴,與明白什麼是真喜樂的人「與喜樂的人同樂」!

明晨便要出發到泰國短宣,今晚只稍作休息了兩個小時,祂沒有說…

在這五日內,得到的沒有去作總結,但「心」很清楚的是「我只要為袮而活」!

泰國的學習,下一課代續…

The first morning at the training camp, I heard the Lord say, “I’ll enter deeper into your heart.” What was that about? I really didn’t understand what it meant, but the words put in my heart a sense of great expectation.

On that first night, during the evening session, we sung the song Be Still. As we were singing, I felt the Lord stir in me some old emotions I had once experienced a long time ago, but which had become faded and forgotten with time. I remembered how it felt when He redeemed me and led me back to His side. I remembered how the song had been a source of strength and encouragement to me, as the lyrics gave me faith that God will bring me through even the greatest of difficulties. As the music filled my ears, I thought how true it was, that I had really soared above wave after wave with my Lord through stormy seas. Together with Him, I had embarked on an adventure of conquest. The one abiding, unchanging Truth from beginning till now is that He is God—and yes, I will be still and know that He is God.

I knew that from that night on, my son and I would be encountering once more a life-changing experience. It would be a journey of love and wonder, and a chance to grow deeper in God.

That night, there was thunder and lightning and pouring rain. He said,

“ …The clouds poured down water, the heavens resounded with thunder …You led your people like a flock …” Psalm 77:17–20

The next morning, we had team devotional time together. The devotional passage for Day Two began this way, “A lot of people lack love in their lives, because they have never been loved …” In the two simple lines, the hurt from my past was rearing its head again, declaring This is you—it’s you the passage is talking about. I thought of how the words also spoke about my mother; I thought of my son; I thought of God … And I remembered how on my birthdays I used to wish to know what true love really is and to have it in my life. It was then I realized God is this love I’d been seeking the whole time. He was what was missing in my life. I came to know what love is because of Him. Because of Him, I could love too, and He gave me the strength to love. I’d finally found it—and I was never letting go again.

At that instant I heard the Lord speak again. He said, “I’ll enter even more deeply into your heart … and heal you.”

That night, everything that was said and sung on stage seemed to slice my heart wide open. God showed me my unhealed wounds. But at the same time He injected into me a new courage to release my love for my family, which I’d kept long and well hidden from them and even myself. I found myself sobbing and asking of the Lord like I hadn’t in a long time.

But the greater healing and release came through the tears of my six-year-old son. He had been going through a rough patch since my divorce, struggling to understand and express all the feelings he was going through. That very night the Lord spoke to each and every one who had experienced such heartbreak: He never overlooks a single one of His creation. He knows and loves every heart. Young and old are all His children.

God’s love is without limits and boundaries. He always gives us more than we need!

I was starting to feel tired after a whole day’s events.

The Lord said, “…You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone.” Exodus 18:18

The topic on the third day was “responding to God’s call through evangelizing to the nations.” The topic threaded through the day’s activities, from the morning all the way up to team-sharing after the evening session. I believe it was no mere coincidence or accident that my son and I were present there. That day we were to learn to respond to God’s call. I tried to count the number of times He had spoken to me or shown me in visions His call to “evangelize to the nations.” I realized He had spoken not just once, or twice, but many times…

The first time it happened through a vision (and it was the very first time I’d ever received a vision), I was soaring through clouds in the sky. The Lord showed me I would be traveling to different places, but at that time I hadn’t heard of such a thing as spreading the Gospel yet. I thought a little foolishly He was telling me I would journey around the world in the future.

The second time, He led me through a vision to these verses: “Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life … And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.” Revelation 22:1–2

For a third and fourth time, and for countless times afterwards, He kept teaching me in different ways about the nations, His heart for them; the work He’ll accomplish in my life; and why it was necessary for me to go through each trial in my life—the goal of it all is to spread the Gospel to the ends of the earth.

In the afternoon, I attended a workshop hosted by YWAM (Youth with a Mission International). The pastor said, “If you’re ready to love with God’s love, no matter where, or who the person is, as long as we submit and take heart, God will surely help us because He loves us.”

It moved me to respond. “Lord, I will obey you! Let it be yes when You say yes, no when You say no. Wherever You tell me to go, I’ll go! You’ve shown me Africa many times in vision. How will You send me? When? And what about my family You’ve given me here on earth?”…

I was feeling even more tired that day. That night I slept only three hours.

He said, “…After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him…” Matthew 4:1–11

On the fourth day, my prayer from the night before was answered. It was truly a day to give thanks for!

“Praise the Lord! My family here on earth are all Your children. You love them even more passionately than I do. Thank you for giving me the courage to tell them, ‘I need you’ and ‘I love you’, and for renewing my mind and transforming me, so that I can know Your will and be Your servant and loved one.

Praise the Lord for giving me a dream anew—that I will dance for You in all corners and to the ends of the world.

Praise the Lord that my life can bring others comfort and encouragement.

Praise the Lord that my son prayed tonight to be always with his mother.”

Praise the Lord!

This verse came to me in my thanksgiving. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

On the fifth and last day of camp, I encountered the same question I’d been wrestling with throughout the five days. “What can I do today that is pleasing to the Lord? How can I know You more deeply this very day?” I knew this would continue to be the enduring question while I’m on this earth.

But I had a more pressing question close to my heart. “Lord, over the past five days I’ve seen the needs and hurts in the lives of sisters around me. How is it that I seem to have seen past my own needs and hurts? There seems to be nothing that’s worth my sadness, nor is there weakness in me. I remember you’ve said when we are weak, we can be strong because of You …so there must be something wrong with me.” It was impossible for me to believe that I didn’t have any weaknesses, but I didn’t have an answer either. But I sensed the answer would come when we’ve embarked on the missions trip.

The special session held that evening was the most exciting and the wildest one of the whole camp. Who says it’s boring to listen to the Gospel? We were dancing, shouting—the old and the young—and my son and I were among them, sweat pouring down our backs—it was incredible!

Even more amazing were the friendships my son formed in this short trip. It showed me how a truly joyful person rejoices with the rejoicing!

We were setting off for Thailand for the missions trip early next morning. I rested only two hours, and I didn’t hear the Lord speak again that night.

I didn’t have a chance to summarize everything I’d learned over the five days in training camp. But I came away knowing firmly in my heart that I will live for God and for Him only.

And the lesson continues in Thailand …

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