Been There All Along // 一直伴著我

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been there

And then suddenly, in the midst of my feelings of shame as I reflected on my past, I felt the Voice of comfort and forgiveness flood into my heart… 突然間,在這羞愧的感覺之中,我感受到祂安慰和寬恕的聲音灌注了我的心、也感受到一把溫柔

As I was standing in the back of the sanctuary, listening to Martin Smith lead “Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble” at Worship Central, I was brought back to 1998 and the days I used to listen to his band’s worship songs in the car on the way to youth group. Delirious was a game changer in the worship and Christian music industry at the time, and the songs that Martin Smith had written then were and are amazing.

But as I stood in 2011, and thought back to 1998, I suddenly didn’t feel the desire to worship. Instead, I started feeling ashamed of how volatile my faith was when I was younger. After retreats, I would have weeks of spiritual highs, followed by months or even years of lows. In high school and early college, I had completely forsaken Jesus. I knew He was there, but I told him “peace out”, I didn’t want to know a God who I thought didn’t want me to be happy (at that time, I wrongly believed that Christianity was only about all these rules I had to follow to be “good”).

And so I stood in 2011 and remembered the many times between 1998 and 2006 I would rebel, sin and purposely walk away from God. Sneaking out of the house while my mom slept, getting into unhealthy relationships with boyfriends, binge-ing at parties, putting all my worth in my appearance and possessions… All these things I’ve done came flooding back to my memory, and I stood in the back of the sanctuary wondering, how could a Holy, perfect God love a person like me?

And then suddenly, in the midst of my feelings of shame as I reflected on my past, I felt the Voice of comfort and forgiveness flood into my heart, softly, quietly, but with absolute strength and assurance. He said:

Sweet girl, yes, I was there when you used to listen to these songs in the car on the way to youth group. But I was also there when you sneaking out at night. I was there when you made bad decisions. I was there when you were throwing up from drinking too much. I was there the whole time. And I loved you through all of it. I had a beautiful plan for you, even when you hated me, and I wasn’t going to let you go.”

From my human eyes, when I heard these songs from my past, I looked back and saw a long road of mess-ups, sin, pride, and rebellion. But God opened my spiritual eyes to see instead that He was with me all along, and more than that, His love for me never ceased.

當我站在演講廳的後排,聽著Martin Smith在Worship Central領著敬拜、唱著「你是否感到群山震動」的時候,我回想起1998年,我在駕車回去青年團契的路上,聽著他樂隊所彈奏的敬拜音樂。Delirious當時是敬拜和基督教音樂圈子裡的關鍵,而Martin Smith寫的音樂到現在一樣令人驚訝。

2011年的我,回想起1998年的自己某一天突然缺少了敬拜的渴望,而且我更為到年青時那容易動搖的信念而感到慚愧。當時,每逢退修之後,我會經歷幾星期的屬靈高峰,接著的卻是以月或年來計算的低潮。到中學及大學初期,我完全離棄了耶穌。我知道祂一直伴著我,但我卻一直叫祂「保持距離」,因為我不想認識一個不想令我開心的神(當時我錯誤地相信基督教只著重規舉,而我必須守規舉才算是「做得好」)。

2011的我回憶起自己在1998至2006之間有多次的反抗、犯罪和特意離開神。我會趁媽媽睡著了便偷偷離家和男生有不健康的關係、在派對裡放縱、將我的一切投放在外表和財產上…這一切都湧進我的記憶,而我站在演講廳裡的時候想著:「一個完美、神聖的神怎會愛我呢?」

突然間,在這羞愧的感覺之中,我感受到祂安慰和寬恕的聲音灌注了我的心、也感受到一把溫柔、安靜,但具力量的聲音向我說話,祂說:「我親愛的女兒,對!你回團契的路上聽著那些歌曲的時候我在妳身邊;你晚上偷偷出走的時候我也在妳身邊;妳作出壞決定的時候我也在妳身邊;你喝醉了要吐的時候我也在妳身邊。我一直陪伴著你、一直愛著你。就算你憎恨我的時候,我也為妳準備了一個美麗的計劃,從來沒有打算放棄你。」

我從人類的角度來看,我聽到以前的歌曲,只會回想到從前的錯誤、罪惡、虛榮和反抗,但神打開了我屬靈的眼睛,讓我看到祂一直都陪伴著我,更重要的是祂對我的愛從來沒有熄滅過。

Christine

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