Been There All Along // 一直伴著我
And then suddenly, in the midst of my feelings of shame as I reflected on my past, I felt the Voice of comfort and forgiveness flood into my heart… 突然間，在這羞愧的感覺之中，我感受到祂安慰和寬恕的聲音灌注了我的心、也感受到一把溫柔
As I was standing in the back of the sanctuary, listening to Martin Smith lead “Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble” at Worship Central, I was brought back to 1998 and the days I used to listen to his band’s worship songs in the car on the way to youth group. Delirious was a game changer in the worship and Christian music industry at the time, and the songs that Martin Smith had written then were and are amazing.
But as I stood in 2011, and thought back to 1998, I suddenly didn’t feel the desire to worship. Instead, I started feeling ashamed of how volatile my faith was when I was younger. After retreats, I would have weeks of spiritual highs, followed by months or even years of lows. In high school and early college, I had completely forsaken Jesus. I knew He was there, but I told him “peace out”, I didn’t want to know a God who I thought didn’t want me to be happy (at that time, I wrongly believed that Christianity was only about all these rules I had to follow to be “good”).
And so I stood in 2011 and remembered the many times between 1998 and 2006 I would rebel, sin and purposely walk away from God. Sneaking out of the house while my mom slept, getting into unhealthy relationships with boyfriends, binge-ing at parties, putting all my worth in my appearance and possessions… All these things I’ve done came flooding back to my memory, and I stood in the back of the sanctuary wondering, how could a Holy, perfect God love a person like me?
And then suddenly, in the midst of my feelings of shame as I reflected on my past, I felt the Voice of comfort and forgiveness flood into my heart, softly, quietly, but with absolute strength and assurance. He said:
“Sweet girl, yes, I was there when you used to listen to these songs in the car on the way to youth group. But I was also there when you sneaking out at night. I was there when you made bad decisions. I was there when you were throwing up from drinking too much. I was there the whole time. And I loved you through all of it. I had a beautiful plan for you, even when you hated me, and I wasn’t going to let you go.”
From my human eyes, when I heard these songs from my past, I looked back and saw a long road of mess-ups, sin, pride, and rebellion. But God opened my spiritual eyes to see instead that He was with me all along, and more than that, His love for me never ceased.
當我站在演講廳的後排，聽著Martin Smith在Worship Central領著敬拜、唱著「你是否感到群山震動」的時候，我回想起1998年，我在駕車回去青年團契的路上，聽著他樂隊所彈奏的敬拜音樂。Delirious當時是敬拜和基督教音樂圈子裡的關鍵，而Martin Smith寫的音樂到現在一樣令人驚訝。