Carmen: "I Was Made to Live" // "我是為了生存而活"
Carmen rediscovers her purpose of living in God. Carmen重新找到她活在主裡的人生目標。
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” – John 10:10
One year ago, I packed my two pieces of luggage, hopped on the plane with my parents, and left Toronto to migrate back to Hong Kong. I had sensed the Lord’s call for me to step into a new season. At that time, I just knew I had to GO. I thought this new season was merely a physical move, but the Lord had a greater plan to renew my spiritual journey and relationship with Him.
In Hong Kong, I found myself in a very dark place. Though I had peace when leaving Toronto, my first three months in Hong Kong were a time of grieving and struggling for a sense of identity in a new community and city. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. It was the loneliest time of my life. During this time of grieving, many past wounds, fears, and inner sins started to surface. I was very angry at God, and my heart hardened against ever receiving Him again in my life. I had never said this before, but one day I told God, “I never want to know You ever again!”
On the night of November 28, 2010, while waiting at a traffic light, I started to hear a lie that I had believed for many years when I was a teenager: “Suicide could save me from this pain. Just end your life, Carmen, and it will be all over. You don’t belong here. Your life is useless. God doesn’t love you anymore.”
When I got home that night, I received supernatural peace and courage to write a note confessing, for the very first time to my friends and family, that I was struggling with suicidal thoughts and attempts. As a Christian for many years, I had kept this a secret, because I felt too shameful and prideful among my Christian family to reveal such brokenness in my life.
Even though I wanted to end my relationship with Him at that time, God never abandoned me. Over the past year, He brought people into this broken life and spoke through them to bring healing. These included brothers and sisters from my church family at The Vine. Also during this time, pastors from all around the world, all walks of life and ministries came to Hong Kong for conferences. I now see that it was not a coincidence but by God’s mercy that they all spoke about the same thing: Father God’s love. The healing process was long but in God’s perfect timing.
One Saturday night, I was watching the “I was Made to _____” promo for WitnessHK at my church. Immediately, I received a supernatural healing from God and received a new heart and mind. All the suicidal thoughts from my past completely broke off from me, and I was filled with a new purpose to live. I received these words of revelation: “Simply delight in God’s existence and your existence to know Him and make Him known.”
As I share this testimony for WitnessHK, it is a prophetic act to seal God’s healing work and take hold of His purpose for me. Since I was a little girl, God has placed in me a passion to work with young children. As a volunteer at an orphanage and kindergarten teacher in Hong Kong, I am given opportunities every day to speak life into a child’s heart. In the same way I was made for a purpose, they were also created for a purpose.
縱使當時我想中斷我和祂的關係，神從來沒有離棄過我。在過去的一年，祂把不同的人帶進這破碎的生命裡，並透過他們帶來了醫治。這些人包括我在The Vine裡的教會家庭中的弟兄姊妹。與此同時，牧師們從世界的每一個角落、每一個階層和每一種事工來到了香港開聚會。我現在明白到他們全都在講同一件事 － 阿爸父的愛 － 並不是一個巧合，而是因為神的憐憫。痊愈的過程很長，但全在神的完美安排之內。