Carmen: "I Was Made to Live" // "我是為了生存而活"

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I-Was-Made-To-Live

Carmen rediscovers her purpose of living in God. Carmen重新找到她活在主裡的人生目標。

 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” – John 10:10

One year ago, I packed my two pieces of luggage, hopped on the plane with my parents, and left Toronto to migrate back to Hong Kong. I had sensed the Lord’s call for me to step into a new season. At that time, I just knew I had to GO. I thought this new season was merely a physical move, but the Lord had a greater plan to renew my spiritual journey and relationship with Him.

In Hong Kong, I found myself in a very dark place. Though I had peace when leaving Toronto, my first three months in Hong Kong were a time of grieving and struggling for a sense of identity in a new community and city.  I cried myself to sleep almost every night. It was the loneliest time of my life. During this time of grieving, many past wounds, fears, and inner sins started to surface. I was very angry at God, and my heart hardened against ever receiving Him again in my life.  I had never said this before, but one day I told God, “I never want to know You ever again!”

On the night of November 28, 2010, while waiting at a traffic light, I started to hear a lie that I had believed for many years when I was a teenager: “Suicide could save me from this pain. Just end your life, Carmen, and it will be all over. You don’t belong here. Your life is useless. God doesn’t love you anymore.”

When I got home that night, I received supernatural peace and courage to write a note confessing, for the very first time to my friends and family, that I was struggling with suicidal thoughts and attempts. As a Christian for many years, I had kept this a secret, because I felt too shameful and prideful among my Christian family to reveal such brokenness in my life.

Even though I wanted to end my relationship with Him at that time, God never abandoned me. Over the past year, He brought people into this broken life and spoke through them to bring healing.  These included brothers and sisters from my church family at The Vine. Also during this time, pastors from all around the world, all walks of life and ministries came to Hong Kong for conferences. I now see that it was not a coincidence but by God’s mercy that they all spoke about the same thing: Father God’s love. The healing process was long but in God’s perfect timing.

One Saturday night, I was watching the  “I was Made to _____” promo for WitnessHK at my church. Immediately, I received a supernatural healing from God and received a new heart and mind. All the suicidal thoughts from my past completely broke off from me, and I was filled with a new purpose to live. I received these words of revelation: “Simply delight in God’s existence and your existence to know Him and make Him known.”

As I share this testimony for WitnessHK, it is a prophetic act to seal God’s healing work and take hold of His purpose for me. Since I was a little girl, God has placed in me a passion to work with young children. As a volunteer at an orphanage and kindergarten teacher in Hong Kong, I am given opportunities every day to speak life into a child’s heart. In the same way I was made for a purpose, they were also created for a purpose.

“盜賊來,無非要偷竊、殺害、毀壞;我來了,是要叫人的生命,並且得的更豐盛。”- 約翰福音10:10

一年前,我收拾了兩箱行李,和我父母跳上飛機從多倫多搬到香港。我感覺到主在召喚我踏進人生新的一頁。當時,我只知道我一定要去。我以為新一頁只是指地理上的搬遷,但是為了重燃我與祂心靈上的旅程和關係,神有著更偉大的計劃。

在香港,我發現自己身處一個很黑暗的地方。雖然我帶著平安離開多倫多,我在香港的頭三個月是一段在新城市新社區裡掙扎著尋找認同感的悲傷時刻。我每天晚上都是哭著入睡的。那是我人生裡最孤單的時光。在悲傷中,以前很多的傷口、恐懼和內心的罪惡開始浮面。我對神感到非常憤怒,而我也鐵起心腸以後再也不歡迎祂走進我的生命裡。我從來沒有這樣說過,但是有一天我告訴神:“我永遠也不要在認識祢了!”

2010年11月28日的晚上,當我在等紅綠燈的時候,我開始聽到一個年少時的我相信了多年的謊話:“自殺能夠把我從這痛苦中拯救出來。結束你的生命吧,Carmen,然後這一切都會變成歷史。你不屬於這裡。你的人生是沒用的。神已經不愛你了。”

那天晚上,但我回到家裡,我獲得超自然的平安和勇氣去寫了一張便條,第一次向我的家人和朋友承認我正跟企圖自殺的念頭搏鬥中。身為一位基督徒,我把這個秘密保守了很多年,因為對著我的信仰家庭揭示我破碎的人生令驕傲的我感到太羞愧了。

縱使當時我想中斷我和祂的關係,神從來沒有離棄過我。在過去的一年,祂把不同的人帶進這破碎的生命裡,並透過他們帶來了醫治。這些人包括我在The Vine裡的教會家庭中的弟兄姊妹。與此同時,牧師們從世界的每一個角落、每一個階層和每一種事工來到了香港開聚會。我現在明白到他們全都在講同一件事 - 阿爸父的愛 - 並不是一個巧合,而是因為神的憐憫。痊愈的過程很長,但全在神的完美安排之內。

一個星期六晚上,我在教會裡看WitnessHK“我為__而活”的宣傳短片。我立刻感到從神而來的超自然醫治,並獲得了新的心靈和思想。我從前的自殺念頭完完全全地脫離了我,而我也充滿了生存的新目的。我獲得了這啟示:“簡單地愛在主的存在裡和你的存在裡,去認識祂,並讓世人都認識祂。”

我為WitnessHK分享這見證,是一件確認了神的醫治的預言行為,也是我去抓緊祂為我預備的人生目的的舉動。從我是一個小女孩時,神已經把教小孩的熱誠種在我心裡。在香港,身為一位孤兒院的自願者和一位幼兒園教師的我每天都被給予機會把生命教育於小孩的心靈裡。就像我是為了一個目的而活,他們也是為了一個目的而活的。

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