Forgetting is not Forgiving // 忘記不等於寬恕
Oh, how little did I know about the depths of my own heart! 天啊，我對我自己的內心深處真的是一無所知呢！
Hello, my name is Rachel, Editor of WitnessHK. If you asked me one thing that I like about myself, I’d say it’d be my ability to forget. Just ask my family and friends; I have a selective memory. I forget bad things that people say or do to me, never hold grudges and I believe in happy endings. When people ask me to think of persons I’ve not forgiven, I’d answer with much pride,
‘None. I only remember the best of people.’
Oh, how little did I know about the depths of my own heart!
Last weekend, I joined a retreat for girls led by Taiwanese Pastor Janet who flew all the way to see us. We call her ‘ah yee’, meaning aunty as she is one of our editor’s mother. She taught us that forgiving is not forgetting that it happened by sweeping the trash underneath the carpet. It’d only get worse.
It’s also not saying that ‘It didn’t matter’.
I remember that I was hurt by girls in high school and I’d always say it didn’t matter at all because it was so childish and that I have grown way past that. But I would have dreams about them and not tell anyone because I found it so odd to dream about people you have not thought about for years.
It’s not saying that ‘It was Not wrong’ by blaming yourself for what happened.
I remember blaming myself for the fact that my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. That’s not right.
I learnt that Forgiving is proclaiming that,
‘It was Wrong. It Mattered. But I Release you.’
Ah Yee prayed and as we are filled with the Holy Spirit, she asked us to write down names of people we have not forgiven. I started off with 1..2…3 and to my surprise the name list came up to 30 something!!! I took a peek at my fellow classmates’ sheet which was written in Chinese (I apologise). I couldn’t read Chinese but she only had 5! The list was coming from me, the girl who is proud of the fact that she’s a forgiving person.
Ah Yee then said,
‘Look at carefully at every name you have written down. Are you willing to truly forgive and release them into the realm of your forgiveness?’
As I looked at those names from my extended family, high school days and adulthood, my stomach started to really HURT! I felt like a thousand needles piercing through it. But somehow, full in spirit, a voice in my head kept saying,
‘It’s okay Rachel, once you say the prayer out loud, the pain will be all over’.
I did not feel like forgiving. But forgiveness is not a Feeling. It’s a Choice.
In agony and pain, I said the prayer after ah yee and made the choice to obey God and Forgive.
Immediately after the 5-minute- prayer, the pain left me. I felt as if bricks were lifted off my chest and I was floating in the air. The pain never came back. When I was at the shower that night, I thought about those people in my list whom I have forgiven and for the first time ever, my heart did not go ‘Ugh!’, like someone pinched it.
I was completely at peace. God, I love You because You truly know the depths of my heart so much better than myself.
For Part 2 of this Healing testimony series, click here.