Forgetting is not Forgiving // 忘記不等於寬恕

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healing02

Oh, how little did I know about the depths of my own heart! 天啊,我對我自己的內心深處真的是一無所知呢!

Hello, my name is Rachel, Editor of WitnessHK. If you asked me one thing that I like about myself, I’d say it’d be my ability to forget. Just ask my family and friends; I have a selective memory. I forget bad things that people say or do to me, never hold grudges and I believe in happy endings. When people ask me to think of persons I’ve not forgiven, I’d answer with much pride,

‘None. I only remember the best of people.’

Oh, how little did I know about the depths of my own heart!

Last weekend, I joined a retreat for girls led by Taiwanese Pastor Janet who flew all the way to see us. We call her ‘ah yee’, meaning aunty as she is one of our editor’s mother. She taught us that forgiving is not forgetting that it happened by sweeping the trash underneath the carpet. It’d only get worse.

It’s also not saying that ‘It didn’t matter’.

I remember that I was hurt by girls in high school and I’d always say it didn’t matter at all because it was so childish and that I have grown way past that. But I would have dreams about them and not tell anyone because I found it so odd to dream about people you have not thought about for years.

It’s not saying that ‘It was Not wrong’ by blaming yourself for what happened.

I remember blaming myself for the fact that my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. That’s not right.

I learnt that Forgiving is proclaiming that,

‘It was Wrong. It Mattered. But I Release you.’

Ah Yee prayed and as we are filled with the Holy Spirit, she asked us to write down names of people we have not forgiven. I started off with 1..2…3 and to my surprise the name list came up to 30 something!!! I took a peek at my fellow classmates’ sheet which was written in Chinese (I apologise). I couldn’t read Chinese but she only had 5! The list was coming from me, the girl who is proud of the fact that she’s a forgiving person.

Ah Yee then said,

‘Look at carefully at every name you have written down. Are you willing to truly forgive and release them into the realm of your forgiveness?’

As I looked at those names from my extended family, high school days and adulthood, my stomach started to really HURT! I felt like a thousand needles piercing through it. But somehow, full in spirit, a voice in my head kept saying,

‘It’s okay Rachel, once you say the prayer out loud, the pain will be all over’.

I did not feel like forgiving. But forgiveness is not a Feeling. It’s a Choice.

In agony and pain, I said the prayer after ah yee and made the choice to obey God and Forgive.

Immediately after the 5-minute- prayer, the pain left me. I felt as if bricks were lifted off my chest and I was floating in the air. The pain never came back. When I was at the shower that night, I thought about those people in my list whom I have forgiven and for the first time ever, my heart did not go ‘Ugh!’, like someone pinched it.

I was completely at peace. God, I love You because You truly know the depths of my heart so much better than myself.

For Part 2 of this Healing testimony series, click here.

你好,我的名字是Rachel,我是WitnessHK的編輯。如果你問我我最喜歡我自己什麼,我會說是我能把事情忘記的能力。你可以隨意去問問我的家人和朋友;我有一個選擇性的記憶。我忘記人家對我說過或做過的壞話或壞事,我從來不心存怨恨,還有,我相信有快樂的結局。當人家問我有沒有還沒寬恕的人時,我會很驕傲地回答,“沒有。我只記得最好的人。”。天啊,我對我自己的內心深處真的是一無所知呢!

上一個週末,我參加了一個由來自美國的台灣人牧師Janet帶領的聚會。我們稱呼她為阿姨,因為她是其中一位編輯的媽媽。她教了我們,忘記事情曾經發生過有如把垃圾掃到地毯底,卻不代表寬恕。這反而會令事情更糟。

寬恕也不等於說一句“沒有關係”。

我記得在高中的時候,我曾經被一些女生傷害過,而我常常都說那沒有關係因為那實在太幼稚了,而且我長大了,那些事不再困擾我。但是,我有時候會做關於那些女生的夢,我卻沒有告訴別人,因為我覺得夢見我多年也沒有想過的人實在太奇怪了。

寬恕也不等於把事情都怪罪於自己,然後說一句“人家沒有錯”。我記得我把我前男朋友的不忠怪到我自己的頭上。那是不對的。

我學會了寬恕是宣告“發生過的事情是不對的、有關係的,但是我釋放你”。

阿姨領禱,當聖靈充滿我們的時候,她叫我們寫下我們還沒有寬恕的人的名字。我開始寫,1、2、3⋯⋯我很驚訝我竟然寫下了30多個人名!!!我偷偷看了一看我同學的紙頭(對不起),雖然我不會看中文,但是她只有五個名字!這張有30個名字的名單是來自我這個很自豪自己很會寬恕別人的女生。

阿姨然後說:“請仔細看看你所寫下的每一個名字。你是不是願意真心地寬恕他們,並把他們釋放到寬恕的境界裡?”

當我看到我的親戚及高中和成年朋友的名字時,我的肚子開始痛起來!那感覺好像有一千支針插穿我的肚子一樣。但是不知何故,我的腦袋裡有一把充滿聖靈的聲音不停地說:“沒事的,Rachel,你大聲地禱告以後,痛楚就會沒有了。”我沒有想寬恕別人的感覺。但是,寬恕不是一個感覺,而是一個選擇。

痛苦交集的我在阿姨祈禱後禱告,並且作出了服從主和寬恕的選擇。

五分鐘的禱告完結的一刻,那痛楚離開了我。我的感覺就像有人把很多磚頭移離我的胸口,我覺得我好像在空氣裡漂浮。那痛楚再沒有回來了。那天晚上,當我在洗澡的時候,我想到了在我名單上面被我寬恕了的人,我的心第一次沒有好像跳過了一拍地覺得:“唉唷”。我心裡有著完全的平安。主,祢真的是比我還要清楚我內心深處的想法。這是我愛祢的無數原因當中的其中一個。

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