I Am Beloved (Part 2) // 我是上帝的寵兒 (下)
Hong Kong 
My Identity
Even though I knew God forgave me of my sins, I still struggled with who I was. Because I was still sinning, how could I not be called a sinner? I struggled with the New Testament writers referring to people as saints and not sinners because to me, they were all having problems! It did not make sense to me because I cannot accept being called a righteous beloved child without doing anything or having to keep up being good all the time.
As I stood before God and asked “How is this so?” I saw him removing the layers of false identity and labels the world gave me and as he was peeling them off, he said, “I see your original self, made in my image. You were made simply to be loved and enjoy me.” I heard him say, “Vanessa, you are not what you do. I am the only authority that can define you. Whatever you do or don’t do won’t change this. You can feel dirty and others can condemn you but it won’t change the truth that I call you clean. I am the perfect father, stop arguing and accept it.” He showed me that he cares more about a relationship with me than being right or wrong.
It’s one thing to read about the truth but knowing the truth set me free and I began to experience true freedom. It’s not doing whatever I feel like but simply being free to be who I am created to be. And that is how I live to the fullest. I began to see him as the perfect Father I’d never known. He is a happy God, not mad. And I even forgave those people who misrepresented the true Father’s face to me.
Coming from a Chinese shame and performance-based culture, it was hard for me to realize that my actions came from knowing who I am first, not what I strive to do or what I was told to do. When I used to try to relate to my Heavenly Father, I wasn’t able to grasp that it was never about my goodness but about how perfect He is and we are to be a reflection of that.
The world loves to condemn and tell me I am not good enough because I am not doing good enough. I used to think sin was a behaviour but actually, the original word means “missing the mark.” Sin is outside the presence of God and when I choose to be in that position, it becomes an action. Good things come when I remain in the presence of God. As sin comes from me agreeing to let the devil rob good things from me, the moment I stop agreeing and let God help me, I experience transformation.
Choose to Focus
When I focus on sin, I focused on me, me, me. My mind is on sin so I manifest sin. I become what I focus on. Only when I start to focus on Jesus – someone bigger than me, will his powerful love shun any darkness. When I confess my faith in Jesus and His goodness, the powerful result is I actually have much less desire to sin.
I love 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, (it does not say anyone who is well sorted and do this and that) he is a new creature, the old has passed, the new is here.” It’s important to know that I am a new creation. Now I try to align my thoughts with God’s. It was such a waste of time to harbour false thoughts of how God perceives us, when the Bible tells us otherwise.
Now
Now when I screw up, the Holy Spirit convicts me and it’s not routine to beg Daddy to love me again but it’s natural to quickly say, “Sorry, thank you Jesus that you have forgiven me and I move on,” declaring I am his awesome daughter. I used to feel like I was a rubbish collector on the streets but one day I realized I was actually a princess in a palace. Realizing my real identity, I began to act like it as well.
I embrace what He wants to give me- free access to Him, friendship with Jesus, all the love, joy and peace but no fear. But it took time to learn to receive without guilt. Slowly, as I developed a deeper relationship with God, I no longer feel ashamed about my past and present messes. I’m also an open book when it comes to talking about normally taboo topics like sex, masturbation and porn. I know what the original design of the Creator is, and though the devil schemes to clothe me with shame, the Father’s heart is to restore me back to my original, naked form. We were created worthy, in God’s own image and in his likeness. He has never called us unworthy, even when sin came into us. His heart is to help us recognize our original authentic self and help us realize the fun and joy being in His presence.
This faith walk is now easy and light, I no longer need to do things to prove myself or earn recognition because I believe I am already accepted, approved and loved by God and He is pleased and delighted with me even before I was born. That is the feeling of true freedom. Three years before, every Autumn, I would wait for that annual feeling of loneliness and helplessness to come. I felt it every year before I accepted Jesus but for these last three years, I didn’t feel it anymore. It’s like after healing, I’ve allowed God to fill the space all the time, and it’s so solid I just know it will stay forever.
I think it would really suck if what you believed about yourself is not the truth but a wrong perception formed by everyone in the world other than the one who truly matters – the perfect Father God who created you. He is truly good and real and He loves you more than you can ever imagine and I hope you will one day be able to experience Him like I have.
Back to Part 1 of Vanessa’s story
我的身份
縱使我知道神已經赦免我的罪，我依然為「我是誰」這問題而掙扎。因為我仍然做錯事，我要怎樣才可以不被稱為罪人呢？我為著新約的作者稱人爲「聖徒」而不是「罪人」而掙扎，因爲對於我來講，他們都有問題。我不能理解，因為當我不做任何事情或者不是每次都做得很好的時候，我不能接受自己被稱為是神正直和被愛的孩子。
當我站在神面前問神：「為什麼是這樣呢？」我看到祂除去世界給我的虛假身份和標簽，祂更一邊動工，一邊說：「我看到按照我的形象造最原始的你。你被創造是要被愛和享受我的愛。」我聽見祂說：「Vanessa，你是誰並不是因為你的行為。我是唯一能給你身份定義的那位。不管你作過什麼。你可以感到很髒，別人也可以定你的罪，但是這不會改變我叫你潔淨的事實。我是完美的天父，停止爭論，接受我吧！」祂讓我知道相比對與錯，祂更在乎和我的關係。
閱讀真理和明白真理是兩碼子的事，明白真理釋放我，我也開始經歷到真正的自由。這自由不是我可以爲所欲爲的意思，而是我能自由地讓神創造的我。這就是我怎樣去淋漓盡致地活出我的生命。我以前不認識的那位完美的天父，我現在看到了。祂是歡喜的神，不是生氣的神。我甚至原諒那些曾經帶領我誤解天父的人。
由於中式文化背景的關係，我常以恥辱和能力水平作爲基準，很難意識到我的行爲源于先瞭解我是誰，而不是我需要去作什麽或者我被叫去作什麽。當我曾經嘗試去理解我的天父時，我沒有意識到這並不在乎我自己的優點，而是關於神有多麼完美，而我們就是祂的寫照。
這塵世喜歡定我罪，告訴我自己不夠好，因為我做的不足夠。我以前認為罪是一個行為，但實際上，這詞語的原意是：「失準」。罪是在神的存在以外，當我選擇在那個位置，它就變成一個行動。當我與神同在時，好的事情就會發生。罪來源于我同意讓撒旦把好事從我身上搶去，在我停止同意的瞬間，並讓神去幫助我，我就經歷了轉變。
選擇去專注
當我專注在罪上，我就專注在我、我、我。我的思想專注在罪上，所以我才會犯罪。我成爲我所專注的。只有當我開始去專注在耶穌時，一個比我更强大的人，他愛的力量蓋過黑暗。當我承認我對神及祂的美意的信心時，這强大的結果就是我對罪少了很多的渴望。
我喜歡歌林多後書5：17：「若有人在基督裡（它沒有說任何良好、秩序和做這做那的人），他就是新造的人，舊事已過，新的就在這裡。」知道我現在是一個新被創造的人是很重要的。我現在嘗試去調整我的思想去迎合神的心意。當聖經這樣告訴我們時，錯誤理解神是怎樣看待我們，從而憑自我力量去透過行動討好神真的很浪費時間。
現在
現在，當我做錯事時，聖靈裁定我，我不會型式化地乞求天父再去愛我，而是可以很自然的說：「對不起，謝謝您耶穌，您已經原諒了我，我可以繼續向前走」 ，去宣布我是祂很棒的女兒。我以前感覺自己是個大街上的垃圾收集者，但有一天，我意識到我實際上是皇宮裡的公主。意識到我真正身份時，我也開始付諸行動。
我包圍在神給我「接觸祂的自由」、「耶稣的友情」、「所有的愛」、「喜樂」和「平安」，沒有恐懼。不過，這需要時間去學習不帶愧疚地接受這一切。逐漸地，通過與神更深入的關係，我不再爲著我過去和現在的罪而感到羞耻。現在，我可以開放地去講及敏感的話題，譬如：性、自慰和情慾片。我知道創造者原始的設計是什麼，縱然魔鬼要用羞恥來包圍我，天父的心是要我從新還原到我最原始和赤裸的形態。我們是按照神的形象和外表被有價值地創造。縱使我們犯罪，祂也從來沒有認為我們是不配的。祂的心是要幫助我們去認識我們最真實的自己，幫助我們去意識到在祂同在裡的喜樂。
信仰的路現在是簡單和輕鬆的，我不再需要去作任何事情去證明我自己，或去爭取被認同，因為我相信我已經被神接受、認可和愛。在我來到這世界前，祂就喜歡我，那是一種真正自由的感覺。三年前，每個秋天，我都在等待寂寞和無助的感覺到來。在我沒有接受耶穌前，我每年都會有這感覺，但在這三年裡，這種感覺消失了。就好像在被治愈後，我讓神來充滿我的生活，那感覺是那麼的穩固，因爲我知道它永遠不會離開。
如果你對自己的認知跟事實不符（一個由世俗形成的錯誤自我認知，而不是那位創造你的完美天父所給予你的身份），這真是太糟糕了。祂是真正的良善和真實，祂對你的愛是超越你所想像的，我希望有一天你也可以像我一樣去經歷祂。
Featured image credit: flickr.com/davidsurfer
