I Am Beloved // 我是上帝的寵兒

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Freedom

Even after getting saved, Vanessa bought into the lie that she needed to earn God’s love and acceptance. Inner healing taught her to let the darkness out into the light.
儘管已經得救和受了上帝的愛,但Vanessa仍被錯誤的思想蒙蔽。最終,內裡的醫治讓她從黑暗走進光明。


I’m Vanessa and I’m a beloved daughter of God. I want to testify how God showed me the truth of who I am, helping me overcome the power of sin.

I used to be a skeptical anti-Christian and on the outside, I seemed fine and put together but inside, I was consumed by darkness. I had a lot of dark thoughts that included cursing my own mum and contemplating suicide. I also used physical relationships with men to attempt to fill the empty hole inside. Even my passport photo used to look miserable. As I sought the meaning of life, I turned to everything including Buddhism, New Age and relying on myself for seven years all the while refusing to give Jesus a chance. Finally, three years ago, I gave Jesus a try and invited Him to help me in a healing conference, not knowing what it meant to pray that prayer. Once I prayed, I received peace I had never experienced before, and I realized I had so many misconceptions about this God.

After I received Jesus, I did not receive the constant joy and freedom as described in the New Testament. I looked at the scriptures and it’s all in past tense, meaning God should have already dealt with problems on the Cross to release joy, peace and grace for us at this moment. So technically, Christ followers are meant to be the most joyful and lively people but I was not. I thought that I needed to repent all the time, to be diligent and everyday I was constantly in checking mode to see if I was still good with God. When I did something bad, I would feel shame and guilt, condemn myself and hide from God. I fought to do good each day but when I couldn’t, I would go back down again. My view of how God saw me changed based on my own performance: if I performed well, I was a good kid and once I screwed up, I was a bad kid. My effort to repent and do good became my identity and honestly, I was tired of living like that kind of a Christian after awhile.

Choosing to let him in

Eventually I didn’t even feel sorry anymore. I became bitter and I began to blame God. I tried to fix me by myself and I hardly prayed for help. Eventually, one night in my sleep, I felt a strong desire urging me to do something bad and by then, I had no more physical strength or will power to fight it on my own so I whispered, “Jesus, help, Jesus, help.” A while later, the thoughts left and peace came. It was then I began to see that God wanted to be involved even in matters I considered ugly.

Restoring God’s face

One year in, God showed me that my outward behaviour had root causes. Just like a tree, it’s the seed that affects the fruit. Unless I am willing to confront the bad seeds, I would be managing only the outside. I sought after inner healing to help me get rid of the lies. I remember going to the second round of inner healing and the counselors said they had prayed for me before I arrived and wrote down things they heard from God. I began to tell them three issues I still struggled with – lust, lying and self reliance. After I spoke, they turned the paper and showed me what God had shown them beforehand. On the paper were the words lust, lying and lack of love for myself and self condemnation. I was overwhelmed by what God knew of my heart and when I finally had the courage to expose the darkness and bring it to light, it loosened its power over me. He showed me a memory that I had forgotten of when I actually started touching myself as a baby when no one was holding me because even back then, I felt I needed to do something for myself in order to feel safe. When God brought me back to the memory, He pour in His love for me and healed me.

After that, my lens to perceive myself became clear and I had space to receive the truth. One time I saw myself sitting at Jesus’ lap, telling him all these bad things I’ve done and he said, “It’s okay, I know. I have taken care of those, and I love you.” Another time the Father said to me, “Vanessa, I count sins no more so stop putting weight to things I no longer value. I just value you coming to me.”

Click here for part 2 of Vanessa’s story

Vanessa's Photo

我是Vanessa,上帝所寵愛的女兒。我想在此見證上帝如何讓我認清自己,幫助我克服罪惡的力量。

我曾經是一個懷疑和反對基督教的人。外表看來我光明磊落,但是內裏我罪惡滿盈。我差得甚至曾經詛咒我的母親和想過自殺。我也曾以和男人發生肉體關係來填​​補內心的空洞。連我護照上的相片看上去也是很哀悲的。在我尋索生命意義的時候,我嘗試過佛教、新紀元運動和依靠自己,蹉跎了七年,就是不曾給耶穌一個機會。最終,三年前,我願意一試認識耶穌。在一次醫治令會上,我邀請祂來幫助我,縱然我當時不是很清楚禱告的真義。禱告完後,我馬上領受過去不曾有過的平安,而且意識到我對這個神有很多的誤解。

接受耶穌後,我沒有領受到新約聖經所形容的持久喜樂和自由。我看經文裡盡是陳舊歷史時,好像意味著上帝已經在十字架上處理了各樣問題,已經給在當下的我們釋放喜樂,平安和恩典。所以嚴格來說,跟隨基督的人理應是最喜樂和活潑的人。但是我並不是這樣的人。那時我認爲我需要不停去懺悔,要勤于時刻去查核我是否合上帝的心意。當我做了錯事時,我就覺得羞恥和內疚、自我責備、躲避上帝。我每天奮力做好,但是當我做不到時,我便會很低落。我認為上帝如何看待我,會因我的表現而改變。如果我表現好的話,我就是一個好孩子,不然我就是個壞孩子。我那份去悔改和做好自己的努力,已變成了我的身份,實在而言,過了一段時間後,我對這種基督徒的生活感到很厭倦。

選擇去讓他進入我的生命

最終,我甚至不再覺得慚愧。我懷恨,更開始責備神。我嘗試盡自己的力量去幫助自己,幾乎沒有去禱告求神的幫助。 有一晚,在我睡覺時,我感覺有一股很强的慾望催使我去做錯事。當時,我自己沒有體力和意志力去抵抗,所以我低聲說:「耶穌,幫助我!耶穌,幫助我!」過了一會,那慾望離開了,我感覺到平安。在那一刻,我開始意會到,連我認為是很醜陋的事情,神也希望介入。

重新認識神

接近一年後,神讓我看到我外在的行為是有根可尋的。像一顆樹一樣,它的種子會影響它的果子。除非我願意去對抗壞的種子,要不然我只能解决外在的問題。我尋求內在的醫治去幫助我擺脫謊言。我記得我第二次去內在醫治時,輔導員說他們在我到來之前就為我禱告,並寫下了他們從神那裡聽到的話。我開始告訴他們三個我在掙扎的問題 – 情慾、說謊和自我依靠。我講完後,他們翻開那張紙,向我展示神之前所顯現的,在紙上的字恰恰就是情慾、說謊和自我譴責。我因神瞭解我的內心而感到驚訝。當我最終有勇氣去暴露我黑暗的一面、走向光明時,黑暗鬆脫了它在我身上的綑綁。祂讓我記起一段我忘記了的記憶,那是從我還是小孩的時候,在沒人抱我時我就會撫摸自己,因爲那時候,我認爲我應該爲了得到安全感而為自己做點東西。當神把我帶回這段記憶時,祂爲我澆灌了愛、醫治了我。

在那之後,我變得更清楚自己。同時,也有空間去接受真理。有一次我看到我自己坐在耶穌的大腿上,告訴祂我做過的所有壞事,然後祂說:「沒關係,我知道。我已經處理好了它們,我愛你。」還有一次,天父對我說:「Vanessa,我不再計較你的罪,所以,不要再為一些我不再計較的事情而憂慮,我只在乎你來找我。」

點擊這裡繼續閱讀 - Vanessa的見證(下)

Featured image credit: flickr.com/davidsurfer

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