I Am Beloved // 我是上帝的寵兒
Even after getting saved, Vanessa bought into the lie that she needed to earn God’s love and acceptance. Inner healing taught her to let the darkness out into the light.
I’m Vanessa and I’m a beloved daughter of God. I want to testify how God showed me the truth of who I am, helping me overcome the power of sin.
I used to be a skeptical anti-Christian and on the outside, I seemed fine and put together but inside, I was consumed by darkness. I had a lot of dark thoughts that included cursing my own mum and contemplating suicide. I also used physical relationships with men to attempt to fill the empty hole inside. Even my passport photo used to look miserable. As I sought the meaning of life, I turned to everything including Buddhism, New Age and relying on myself for seven years all the while refusing to give Jesus a chance. Finally, three years ago, I gave Jesus a try and invited Him to help me in a healing conference, not knowing what it meant to pray that prayer. Once I prayed, I received peace I had never experienced before, and I realized I had so many misconceptions about this God.
After I received Jesus, I did not receive the constant joy and freedom as described in the New Testament. I looked at the scriptures and it’s all in past tense, meaning God should have already dealt with problems on the Cross to release joy, peace and grace for us at this moment. So technically, Christ followers are meant to be the most joyful and lively people but I was not. I thought that I needed to repent all the time, to be diligent and everyday I was constantly in checking mode to see if I was still good with God. When I did something bad, I would feel shame and guilt, condemn myself and hide from God. I fought to do good each day but when I couldn’t, I would go back down again. My view of how God saw me changed based on my own performance: if I performed well, I was a good kid and once I screwed up, I was a bad kid. My effort to repent and do good became my identity and honestly, I was tired of living like that kind of a Christian after awhile.
Choosing to let him in
Eventually I didn’t even feel sorry anymore. I became bitter and I began to blame God. I tried to fix me by myself and I hardly prayed for help. Eventually, one night in my sleep, I felt a strong desire urging me to do something bad and by then, I had no more physical strength or will power to fight it on my own so I whispered, “Jesus, help, Jesus, help.” A while later, the thoughts left and peace came. It was then I began to see that God wanted to be involved even in matters I considered ugly.
Restoring God’s face
One year in, God showed me that my outward behaviour had root causes. Just like a tree, it’s the seed that affects the fruit. Unless I am willing to confront the bad seeds, I would be managing only the outside. I sought after inner healing to help me get rid of the lies. I remember going to the second round of inner healing and the counselors said they had prayed for me before I arrived and wrote down things they heard from God. I began to tell them three issues I still struggled with – lust, lying and self reliance. After I spoke, they turned the paper and showed me what God had shown them beforehand. On the paper were the words lust, lying and lack of love for myself and self condemnation. I was overwhelmed by what God knew of my heart and when I finally had the courage to expose the darkness and bring it to light, it loosened its power over me. He showed me a memory that I had forgotten of when I actually started touching myself as a baby when no one was holding me because even back then, I felt I needed to do something for myself in order to feel safe. When God brought me back to the memory, He pour in His love for me and healed me.
After that, my lens to perceive myself became clear and I had space to receive the truth. One time I saw myself sitting at Jesus’ lap, telling him all these bad things I’ve done and he said, “It’s okay, I know. I have taken care of those, and I love you.” Another time the Father said to me, “Vanessa, I count sins no more so stop putting weight to things I no longer value. I just value you coming to me.”
接近一年後，神讓我看到我外在的行為是有根可尋的。像一顆樹一樣，它的種子會影響它的果子。除非我願意去對抗壞的種子，要不然我只能解决外在的問題。我尋求內在的醫治去幫助我擺脫謊言。我記得我第二次去內在醫治時，輔導員說他們在我到來之前就為我禱告，並寫下了他們從神那裡聽到的話。我開始告訴他們三個我在掙扎的問題 – 情慾、說謊和自我依靠。我講完後，他們翻開那張紙，向我展示神之前所顯現的，在紙上的字恰恰就是情慾、說謊和自我譴責。我因神瞭解我的內心而感到驚訝。當我最終有勇氣去暴露我黑暗的一面、走向光明時，黑暗鬆脫了它在我身上的綑綁。祂讓我記起一段我忘記了的記憶，那是從我還是小孩的時候，在沒人抱我時我就會撫摸自己，因爲那時候，我認爲我應該爲了得到安全感而為自己做點東西。當神把我帶回這段記憶時，祂爲我澆灌了愛、醫治了我。
Featured image credit: flickr.com/davidsurfer