Journey of Learning: Lesson #3 // 一個旅程的學習 (第三課)

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我會繼續等待下一站,神帶領的愛的下一站。 I will wait for the next stop, where His Love leads me.

在兒子放暑假前,我心渴望在假期中能夠帶他外遊,讓他多看這個世界的不同。這一刻腳踏在機場上,神對自己與兒子的祝福再次牢牢地刻在心版上。

在年初經歷了菲律賓之旅,對今次泰國之旅有很大的寄望。可是整個旅程我好像沒有做過什麼,但心情上又好像發生了很多…真的不知怎樣能夠完全表達每日的起起落落。我記起仍在等待這個短宣的供應時,我們這個團隊成員會聚集一起禱告,當其時便有一個感受:「我們去,是因為神要讓祂的子民知道祂是永不離棄、永不撇下他們的;也因為祂要讓我們看得自己更清楚。」那到最後我們有否看得自己更清楚?我知道自己的答案是「是」 。

今次是人生中第一次寄宿在一個院舍中,住在這裡或由這裡來照應的包括被遺棄的孤兒、從被擄去作性工作而拯救出來的女孩子、被釋放的囚犯及跟隨犯案社團被勸導回來的男子。看像很複雜,但當人在這裡卻有說不出的平安。反倒被考驗的是同行團隊的相處,如何互相體諒與明白,學習尊重且選擇拾起對方的優點。容易嗎?一點也不!在這個旅程中最艱苦亦都是最可怕的就是這個考驗中而出現的情緒,這一刻會因一點小事而吐苦水,下一刻又因自己不好好控制自己的舌頭而自責,一日再一日重複發生…特別是如何公平地看待、如何平衡地分配時間與自己的孩子、隊員的孩子與院舍內的孩子,如何能做到全心的事奉又要留守…直至當懂得將這些喜怒哀樂也交上主的手,所有事也就完全藉著祂的愛而解決。

當情緒控制不了地起落時,記起了在Gateway營會遺下的一個問題,當時有一個感受:「答案會在短宣起程後出現」。神是信實的,在這裡我得到了答案,答案是:「我是人,我也會感到疲倦、也會傷心、也會軟弱、也會需要別人的安慰。」

在其中一日早上的靈修會,此起彼落的禱告聲,不同人宣告他的領受,但自己郤只是不停在心裡面重複又重複一段說話:「天父,為什麼從營會到今天,袮讓我看到姊妹們的心與她們的傷害,讓我為她們禱告與守候,但為什麼沒有人看到我?袮可否讓至少一個人在異像中看到我,再次讓我知道袮愛我…我知道這一刻的自己很扭計,但就容許我一次可以嗎?」

又在其中一日,在隊員為院舍內的弟兄洗腳後,他們表示也希望為我們洗腳。當他們説:「媽媽Coria是第一個。」再當那弟兄把我的腳放在水盤中開始,整個過程我只懂得哭、只懂得不停在心責備自己「我不配」…

但是否整個旅程就是這樣?沒有一點兒開心與振奮?

如果沒有祂,我相信答案是「是」;相反有了祂,答案也相對地是「否」。

在一個祈禱服侍的早上,我選擇放下兒子在一旁而去抱起一個又一個小孩子,明白他會有一份失落卻疏忽那一份失落是可等重,但感謝同行隊員的細心並為他按手祈禱,再一次將他裡面的落寞藉著哭而得釋放。在晚上就寢前,他問了我一句:「媽媽,是不是只有我是妳唯一的兒子?」這一刻,我看到他怕媽媽也失去了的恐懼;但同一時間,喜悅他懂得將心裡面的感受告訴我。很感謝天父讓父親的心那份愛進入兒子的生命並再得到醫治。

又在其中的一個晚上,神帶領我走進一些女孩子的房間,讓我能夠以自己的生命鼓勵她們、與她們分享神的信實、為她們禱告。但最感謝的是在自己分享完神怎樣引領我走上寬恕我那一位離棄了家庭孩子的父親時,其中一個女孩子突然擁抱著我說:「神啊!請袮教我如何寬恕我的爸爸!」還有感謝的是我好像真的做了一刻間她們的媽媽,能夠在她們睡前給她們一個吻一個祝福。

還有每一次禱告後的回應,病得醫治…包括那一個早上扭計要求的異像等,祂也從不遲延、從未離棄,祂的信實告訴我祂選擇永遠寬恕卻永不忘記我們是祂愛的,因為「我們能愛,是因神先愛我們」。

在離開的那一個早上,每一張小孩子的臉、每一個在臉上留下的吻,還有每一幅圖畫、每一件親手做的紀念品,就是祂的愛帶回來的生命的見證。原來無論我做錯了幾多、做得如何不夠好,但祂仍然會用我去相愛,給我恩典。祂帶領我以祂的目光與角度看事物,祂重視的不只是被事奉的毎一個,也重視我們的成長,更甚是我們內在傷害的醫治。

在回程時,已按捺不住,很想再去愛,很想讓更多人(包括自己可以更深入)知道祂的愛、經歷祂的愛。我會繼續等待下一站,神帶領的愛的下一站。

祝福看到這篇見證的每一個,也請祝福我可以繼續出發下一站。

Before summer vacation started for my son, I really wanted to take him on vacation and show him the world. The moment we stepped into the airport, it felt like God’s blessing for us had been carved into our hearts again.

After our trip to the Philippines earlier on this year, I have great expectations for Thailand. Yet I felt like I didn’t really do anything on the trip, but emotionally a lot has happened… I really don’t know how to express the rise and falls of everyday. I remember as I was still waiting for the provision for this mission trip, our team came together to pray, and we had this impression, “we are going because God wants His people to know that He will never abandon or forsake us; also because He wants us to see ourselves clearly.” Did we see ourselves better in the end? I know my answer is ‘yes’.

This is the first time I’ve ever stayed in a hostel, and those who live here or are being taken care of by those who live here are abandoned orphans, girls rescued from prostitution and human trafficking, released prisoners, and men who have been persuaded to leave gangs and to stay here. It seems complicated, but I have a peace I just can’t describe when I was there. On the other hand, I was challenged by getting along with the team; having to be considerate and understanding, respecting and appreciating them. Is it easy? Not at all! The hardest and scariest part of the trip is handling the emotions that bubble up from trials. I might complain because of something small, the next moment I’d be upset at myself for not holding my tongue; this would happen day after day… especially when it comes to my child, the team members’ children, and the hostel’s children: how can I be fair and balance out the time that I use to take care of them? How do I serve whole-heartedly without neglecting my own child? When I finally gave all my emotions to the Lord, everything resolved because of His Love.

When my emotions were swaying uncontrollably, I remembered a question which had been left unanswered from Gateway. I had a feeling that the answer would come after I left for the mission trip. God is faithful; I got my answer here, “I’m human. I get tired, sad, weak, and I need other people’s comfort too.”

At a devotion one morning, in the midst of people’s prayers, I heard people declaring the revelations they received, yet I kept repeating this in my heart, “Father God, You have shown me my sisters’ hearts and hurts, that I may pray and wait for them, but why haven’t anyone seen me? Can you let someone see me in their visions, that I would know again that You love me… I know I’m being spoilt, but can You just let me have my way once more?”

Then another day, as our team members washed the feet of the brothers from the hostel, they said that they would also like to wash ours. When they said, “Mama Coria is first”, and when that brother put my feet in the basin, I just cried the whole time, upset at myself because I didn’t deserve it.

Was this what the trip was? No happiness nor excitement?

If I had went without Him, the answer would be ‘yes’, but because He was there, the answer is ‘no’.

One morning as we were praying and ministering, I chose to leave my son aside and picked up one child after and other, trying to understanding their loss and how ignorant we have been of the weight of it. I was grateful for my teammates laying hands and praying for them, freeing them from the tears of desolation. Before bed, he asked me, “mommy, am I your only son?” That moment I saw his fear of losing his mother; but at the same time I was happy that he knew to share his heart with me. I praise God for giving my son the Father’s love and healing him.

It was another night, when God lead me into a few girls’ room, to encourage them with my story, to share about God’s faithfulness, and to pray for them. The thing I’m the most grateful about is that when I shared about how God lead me to forgive my father who abandoned his family and child, a girl suddenly hugged me and said, “Oh God! Please teach me to forgive my father!” I’m also grateful because for a second it felt like I was their mother, able to give them a kiss and a blessing before they slept.

There’s also the answer to all my prayers, healings… including that morning when I asked God about the vision, He is never late, nor does is abandon us. His faithfulness tells me that He will always choose to forgive and will never forget that we are His love, for “we love, because He first loved us.”
That morning when we left, every child’s face, every kiss they planted on our cheeks, and every painting, every souvenir they made… were life testimonies of His love. I found that no matter how many mistakes I had made, how bad I have done, He will still use me to love others, giving me grace. He lead me to see with His eyes and perspective. He cares not only about those who are being ministered to, but also about our growth, as well as our inner wounds.

On our way back I could hardly wait to go and love, to let more people (including myself, going deeper) know and experience His love. I will wait for the next stop, where His Love leads me.

Blessings to everyone who reads this, and please also bless me to go to my next stop.


Image credit: Flickr / Tranuf

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