Something White // 白色的嫁衣

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Something-white

Tomorrow is a big day for me. 明天是個大日子。

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I am going to my favourite HK designer to try on my ‘something white’. The designer has finally put his finishing touches on my wedding gown.

Looking back, I was never the girl with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill it. Quite the contrary, I was always the little girl with several stains on her white dress. I wish I had the grace of Audrey Hepburn, but I was more like the clumsy character you see in romantic comedies.
Sometimes, I wish I was always pure and white like those girls from youth groups who grew up in a God-loving family, who would become teachers and doctors and then go on to marry their first boyfriends. I wished that I waited for God to choose for me and that my fiancé was the first man I’ve ever dated. If I had never given pieces of my heart away, I would have saved myself from the heartbreaks, the scars, the disappointments and I would  then be pure enough to be my own ‘something white’.

‘Be it your body,mind, soul or spirit, if you give pieces of yourself away to someone who God did not choose for you, you can’t truly call yourself pure and white’.

It was not directed at him but it was a thought about myself. I knew that I was wrong but today, I could not help but wish that my fiancé was the first and only boyfriend I ever had.

Later that evening, I decided to wear my brand new white top from Korea to somehow find the feeling of purity in my heart. I went with my best friend to taste some local Hong Kong curry fish balls in Mong Kok before I leave for the United States.  As expected, the clumsy me accidentally stained my white top with curry. I tried to get rid of the stains with wet tissue. It was then when I had a flashback from childhood where my mother used to always say,

‘I told you that you can’t buy white dresses because you can never keep them stainless like the other girls’!

My best friend who knows clothing very well told me not to bother cleaning curry stains with wet tissue as the act is futile. She was right, and so was my mother because the stains did not go away after my useless efforts of cleaning them.

The first thing I did when I got home at night was to hand wash my white top. However, something odd happened. I could not find the curry stains anymore. I looked and looked at every corner of my white top and they were gone. Some would call it a delayed cleaning action by the wet tissue bought from our local chain store, Mannings. Some would even call it spooky. As for me, I am going to call it a miracle. I was immediately filled with the Holy Spirit and it was then when God told me that,

‘Yes, you can start all over again. When I cleansed you, you became my pure and white princess’.

No matter how hard I tried to be good on my own I could never wipe out the stains from my past. However, when God forgives, He makes us anew and we are truly born again. Tomorrow, I am going put on my white wedding gown and hold my head up high. I am my own ‘something white’ because Christ lives in me and Christ is pure light.

‘I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you…’ -Ezekiel 36:26
We can start all over again. I tell this to people all the time but now, I can truly say that I believe the same for myself.

明天是個大日子,我會到我最喜歡的香港設計師那裡試婚紗,他已作了最後修改。

回想起來,我從來都不是帶有秀髮、可以穿白色衣服又不弄髒那些女生,反而兒時我的白色裙子總是染有污跡的。我多希望我有奧黛麗赫本的優雅,不過我卻像浪漫喜劇裡笨拙的女角。

有時我希望我像青年團契裡純淨潔白的女生一般,在一個愛戴神的家庭裡長大,然後當上教師或醫生,最後和第一個男朋友結婚。我多希望我有等待神為我選擇;多希望我的未婚夫是我第一個約會的男生。若我從沒將我的心一塊一塊的送出去,我便不會心碎、失望、或滿有疤痕…我便可以純淨的當白色的自己。

今天早上一位曾是花花公子的朋友告訴我他靠著神的恩典獨身了很久,久得像個處子。我笑了一笑。我心想:「無論是你身體、思想、靈魂或精神,若你將自己的一部份給了一個不是神認定的人,你不能稱自己為純白。」

我的想法不是要批判他,而是我對自己的想法。我知道這是錯的,不過我不禁地希望我的未婚夫是我人生裡第一個和唯一的男朋友。

那天晚上我穿上了從韓國買的白色上衣,希望心裡能找到那純淨的感覺。我和我最好的朋友趁我要去美國前到了旺角吃地道的香港咖哩魚蛋,就如我所料,笨拙的我大意地將咖哩弄髒了白色的上衣,我嘗試用濕紙巾去弄走污跡時便想起兒時媽媽會說:「所以我告訴你你不可以買白色裙子,你總不可以像其他女孩一樣保持乾淨!」

我這個對衣服很熟識的朋友告訴我不用再試了,濕紙巾沒有用的。她是對的,我媽媽也是,因為那污跡到最後都沒有除去。

回家後我第一件做的事便是手洗我的上衣,可是奇怪的事發生了,我找不到那咖哩污跡,我怎找都找不到。可能有人會說是我從本地的連鎖店萬寧買的濕紙巾延遲了的作用、有人會說很詭異,不過對我來說是一個奇蹟。聖靈當時立即充滿了我,神告訴我:「對了,妳可以重新開始的,我洗淨妳的時候妳稱為了我純白的公主。」

無論我多努力當一個好女生我都不能將過去的污跡洗淨,不過當神給寬恕時,祂使我們真正的得新生。明天我試婚紗時要抬起頭,我是純白的因為基督在我裡面,而基督是純淨的光。

以西結書36章26節:「我必把新心賜給你們,把新靈放在你們裡面…」我們可以重新開始的,我經常對人說這話,不過我現在可以真正的說我相信我也可以。
Rachel T

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