Until I returned to the “Father’s” side // 直到回到 ‘父親’ 身邊

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什麼是愛?我不斷的追求、不斷的失望。What is love? I kept seeking and kept being disappointed…

什麼是愛?

我不斷的追求、不斷的失望。

我找不到答案,人越長大越迷失…

我選擇醉、我很孤單…

我慢性享受傷害自己以交換存在的感覺…

直到回到 ‘父親’ 身邊。

父親是什麼樣的?告訴你:「我不知道!」

在我的記憶裡,搜索不到點滴是與他共渡的時光。人們告訴我父親就是那一位肩負全家擔子、樂意保護妻子兒女的男人大丈夫。「是嗎?我相信我母親就是我父親。」

母親是什麼樣的?不知道什麼樣告訴你,想起她的時候,我心很痛…「我怕來不及,我要抱著妳,直到感覺妳的皺紋有了歲月的痕跡…」她走的時候,我只懂得停不了這首歌…

「媽媽,我很想妳…為什麼妳不再呼吸?不再叫我的名字?」

停不了可憐自己、停不了自責:「為什麼不能用我所有的生命陪著妳?」自己不可原諒自己…

直到回到 ‘父親’ 身邊。

「媽媽,我很想妳!我想媽媽每天也陪著我,我想媽媽在我旁!主耶蘇,我很寂寞…」為什麼我孩子會有一段錄音在我手機內?我的不斷追求、我的孤單重複在一個稚年的孩子生命上…

我讓他失去了父親、也讓他重複我的難受…

為什麼我不懂得珍惜一個家?

為什麼我覺得他 - 我孩子的父親無論怎麼樣關心我、陪我,我還是認為他不懂愛我?

為什麼我傷害了孩子而不知道?

停不了可憐自己、停不了自責…

直到回到 ‘父親’ 身邊。

直到回到 ‘父親’ 身邊…

「妳心裡沒有 ‘祂’ - 真正唯一的神 - 我們的 ‘父親’ ,沒有人能讓妳覺得足夠愛。」從菲律賓來幫助我照顧孩子的她,每一天陪著我、為我祈禱。某一天,她終於鼓起了勇氣告訴我關於 ‘祂’ 。

可是我沒有選擇相信…

直到 ‘祂’ 以一個無可否定的方法讓我知道 ‘祂’ 的真實存在…

直到那一個晚上,生孩子傷了三年的腰傷再痛,心裡想起她告訴我的 ‘祂’:「如果真有 ‘袮’ ,‘袮’ 停了我的痛,我就相信‘。」那一秒的等待,讓我的腰暖和…

‘祂’ 醫治了我!

今天我回到 ‘祂’身邊已一年半多,不再有痛,怎可以不信 ‘祂’ 。

讓我深深感受 ‘袮’ ,唯一的神!

我渴望回到 ‘袮’ 的身邊…

我尋找一切有關於 ‘袮’ 的,無論是電影、書籍或相信的人…

在每一日、每一夜通過 ‘與神對話’ 、通過 ‘受難曲’ 、通過不同的關於 ‘基督’ 的電影後,我才發現原來人可以很簡單已能擁有一份無條件的愛。

「神 差 ‘祂’ 獨生子到世間來,使我們藉著 ‘祂’ 得生,神 愛我們的心,在此就顯明了。不是我們愛 神,乃是 神 愛我們…」

但我仍然停留在傷害的日子,我心仍有痛…

直到回到 ‘父親’ 身邊…

「為什麼我就像一個孤兒似的?為什麼我沒有爸爸?現在媽媽也放低我、離開我?只剩下我與孩子,每個人都來傷害我… 為什麼?」

「我一直藏起自己在一個黑洞裡面,心裡面這個洞不停擴大,黑暗的地方越來越多,我好怕… 」

「主!請幫我!」

在黑暗中,我跪在睡床上,第一次向 ‘祂’ 禱告,第一次有了讓我哭訴的 ‘祂’ 。

在每一日、每一夜我也向 ‘祂’ 禱告!‘祂’ 讓我知道我是存在的,我不再用行為上傷害自己以交換存在的感覺。

直到有一日, ‘祂’ 回應一直等待 ‘祂’ 的我。

一個從不認識的教友,他為我祝禱,他告訴我:「主賜與每一個人也有不同的恩賜,‘祂’ 讓我可以聽到 ‘祂’ 的說話。‘祂’ 要我告訴妳,妳不是沒有爸爸,‘祂’ 就是妳的爸爸。」

我不懂反應,為什麼他會知道我的哭訴…

「還有,在妳心裡面不會再有那一個黑洞,‘祂’ 已取走了。」

‘袮’ 在那裡?為什麼 ‘袮’ 是如此愛我,但我一直也看不到 ‘袮’ ?

我只懂哭…

‘祂’ 醫治了我!醫治了一直存在心的傷害!

「…叫我傳好信息給謙卑的人,差遣我醫好傷心的人,報告被擄的得釋放,被囚的出監牢…」

我渴望完全回到 ‘袮’ 的身邊!

我仍然尋找一切有關於 ‘袮’ 的,我喜悅每一日、每一夜細味 ‘袮’ 的話語,與人分享‘袮’ 在我生命中的一點一滴…但是生命還不完全…

直到完全回到 ‘父親’ 身邊…

「天父,我是一個完全失敗的人,我不值得 ‘袮’ 愛我。」

那一個早上,我認為自己不可能再行在生命的道路上。

「因為我的不自量力,因為我自己的想法,我讓每一個我愛的人受苦…」

我透過玻璃窗看著那一條見不到盡頭的高速公路。

「我以為自己可以做得到,可以擁有自己的生意,可以抬起頭來,可以讓孩子以媽媽自豪,可以照顧每一個我身邊的人…」

「今早的每一個來電,也告訴我是一個完全失敗的人…」

「我拖欠很多人,我讓孩子支付不了學費,讓孩子及幫助我照顧孩子的她將沒有地方住,我讓每一個在我身邊的人因我而負累…」

那一剎,我認為自己不應該再存在,有一把聲音慢慢的在耳邊告訴我:「抱起孩子跳下去吧!」

「天父,對不起!我不應該決定孩子的生命,但我捨不得他像我一樣似一個孤兒。天父,為什麼我要再傷害我的孩子… 」

心裡面有另一把聲音肯定的在耳邊告訴我:「站起來!今天繼續行在妳生命的道路上。」

剎那間,有一份形容不了的平安與勇氣,我站起來,我告訴自己:「妳可以的!」

我回到我工作上,繼續我應該做的事情,我不停告訴自己:「妳可以的!」

晚上,我回到陪伴我一直同行的團契小組,如同沒事人。我沒有選擇傾訴、沒有選擇讓弟兄姊妹分擔我的故事。

「我想告訴大家主是如何美妙,‘祂’ …」一個弟兄訴說的故事為什麼會與我有關?為什麼他像在鼓勵我?

心裡那另一把聲音在耳邊再次說話:「妳想告訴大家今早的故事嗎?」

我開始流淚,我應該如何開始告訴大家我的錯?但我知道我不該逃避,我開始今早的故事…

我哭了!因我的錯、因我的軟弱。

「妳知道嗎?妳是一個好得不得了的媽媽…」弟兄姊妹告訴我。「妳可以的!」

我真的可以嗎?我再想不到什麼,回到家已很累…「天父,對不起!」不知覺間我睡著了。

「天父,對不起!」早上睡醒了,很想說對不起。

我坐在睡床上,閉上眼,讓陽光映在眼皮上。那一片映在眼內的蛋黃色,讓我感受到一份形容不了的溫暖。

「天父,請告訴我,我該如何?我的明天會怎樣?」映在眼內的蛋黃色變了一片白。「天父,這一片白是什麼意思?我會住在精神病院嗎?為什麼一片白?」

那一片白好像被風吹般飄起。「天父,這一片白飄起時很像主耶穌那件袍。」剛說著,從袍內便向我伸出手來。「‘袮’ 是主耶穌嗎?‘袮’ 願意拖著我的手同我行在生命的道路上嗎?」

心裡曾出現的那另一把聲音在耳邊嚮起:「現在握緊妳右手的左手就是我,當每一次妳雙手緊握時,就要記得我在妳身邊。」

「‘袮’ 仍願意愛我嗎?」我再次想起昨早的事情。「主耶穌,對不起!」

原先向我伸出來的手突然間退後,主耶穌遠遠的站在我面前,在我面前我看到自己的背面,我看到自己舉起一張刀直刺入主耶穌的心…「為什麼?為什麼我會傷害‘袮’ ? ‘袮’ 如此愛我,我怎可以這樣傷害 ‘袮’ … 」

我哭了!如崩潰一般地哭!因我這不可原諒的錯!

「妳知道當妳傷害自己時,我的心是如妳現在一樣,我哭了,我心很痛。」那另一把聲音終於讓我很清楚地知道,一直同我在說話的就是主耶穌。

「主耶穌,對不起!我不會讓自己傷害 ‘袮’ …我可否將這刀拔出來?」

「妳要用妳所有的力量與勇氣,雙手緊握刀柄才可將這刀拔出來。」

我看到自己舉起雙手緊握刀柄並將這刀拔出來。「主耶穌,我不會再讓自己傷害‘袮’ 。」

「拋開妳手上的刀。」我聽從主耶穌吩咐,把手上的刀拋開。

這一刻,有一份形容不了的愛與平安在心裡面泛起,我張開眼,再次在聖經尋求主的話語。

「父神、主耶穌,我終於完全回到 ‘袮’ 身邊,我開始懂得 ‘袮’ 的愛,懂得 ‘父親’ 愛女兒的心…」

「… 我要作你們的父親;你們要作我的兒女。這話是我 ─ 全能的主說的… 」

我不知道如何感謝 ‘袮’ ,因無論我說多少遍「感謝主」也不足以回應 ‘袮’ 對我的愛。我的 ‘父親’ ,請讓我一點一滴,在生命中的每一日、每一夜繼續尋求 ‘袮’ ,繼續與 ‘袮’ 相愛。

我知道我握緊 ‘袮’ 手繼續行在生命的道路上,必會延續 ‘袮’ 愛的見証。

「父神、主耶穌,我愛‘袮’ !我的生命因‘袮’ 重建!我的人生因‘袮’美麗」

直到回到 ‘父親’ 身邊。

「… 若有人在基督裏,他就是新造的人;舊事已過,都變成新的了…」

What is love?

I kept seeking and kept being disappointed…

I couldn’t find an answer. The older I grew the more lost I got…

I chose to be drunk; I was so lonely…

I enjoyed hurting myself in trade for a sense of existence…

Until I returned to the “Father’s” side.

What is a father like? I can tell you, “I don’t know”.

I have no memories whatsoever of spending time with him. I’ve been told that fathers are great men who take on the family and are willing to protect his wife and children. “Really? Then I believe my mother is my father.”
Until I returned to the “Father’s” side.

What is a mother like? I don’t know how to tell you. My heart aches when I think about her… “I’m scared I won’t make it, I got to hold you, until the years are etched in your wrinkles…” This song played over and over again when she left…
“Mom, I miss you so much… Why aren’t you breathing anymore? Why have you stopped calling my name?”

I couldn’t stop feeling pity for myself, nor could I stop blaming myself, “Why couldn’t I spend my whole life with you?” I couldn’t forgive myself…

Until I returned to the “Father’s” side.

“Mom, I miss you so much! I want you to be with me every day! Lord Jesus, I’m so alone…” Why does my child have a voice recording on my phone? I kept seeking, and my loneliness imprinted itself onto a young child’s life…

Because of me he lost his father, and my pain repeated itself on him…

Why didn’t I cherish this family?

Why do I feel like no matter how he – my child’s father – cared for me and spent time with me, he still didn’t know how to love me?

Why did I hurt my child without knowing it?

Can’t stop feeling pity and blaming myself…

Until I returned to the “Father’s” side.

Until I returned to the “Father’s” side.

“You don’t have Him – the one true God – in your heart – our ‘Father’, no one can make you feel loved enough.” She came from the Philippines to help me look after my child; every day, she was with me and prayed for me.  One day, she found the courage to ask me about Him.

Yet I didn’t choose to believe…

Until He proved to me His existence in a way I cannot deny…

That night my back pain I got from giving birth sprung up again, and I remembered the ‘Him’ she told me about, “If You really exist, stop my pain, and I’ll believe.” I waited for a second, and my back warmed up…

He healed me!

I’ve already been back to His side for over a year and a half, without my back pain. How can I not believe in Him?

Let me experience You deeply, the one and only God!

It is my desire to come back to Your side…

I’m searching for everything that has to do with You, may it be films, books, or believers…

Every day and night, through “Conversations with God”, through “The Passion of the Christ”, through different movies about Christ, I realized how simply we can have this unconditional love.

“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us…”

Yet I was still in the days of hurt, and my heart still ached…

Until I returned to the “Father’s” side.

“Why do I feel like an orphan? Why don’t I have a father? And now my mother has left me. I’m left with my child, and everyone’s here to hurt me… why?”

“I kept hiding in a dark hole, and in my heart this hole kept expanding. Darkness is increasing. I’m so scared…”

“Lord! Please help me!”

In the dark, I knelt on my bed and prayed to Him for the first time.  It was the first time I had a Him to cry to.

I prayed to Him day and night! He gave me my sense of being, and I stopped hurting myself in exchange for it.

He whom I had been waiting for answered me one day.

One day, a brother whom I didn’t know came and prayed for me, he said, “God has given everyone different gifts; He has allowed me to hear Him. He wants me to tell you, you are not fatherless, He is your father.”

I didn’t know how to react. How did he know of my cries…

“Also, the dark hole in your heart will no longer be there, He has taken it away.”

Where are You? Why can’t I see You though You love me so deeply?

I could only cry…

He has healed me! Healed the hurt that has been in my heart!

“…because the Lord has anointed me 
to preach good news to the poor. 
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 
to proclaim freedom for the captives 
and release from darkness for the prisoners…”

I long to completely return to You!

I’m still searching for all that has to do with You, I take joy in hearing Your words day and night and sharing the different things You have done in my life… but life is still incomplete…

Until I have completely returned to the ‘Father’…

“Heavenly Father, I’m a total failure, I don’t deserve Your love.”

That morning, I thought I could no longer stay on this walk of life.

“Because I didn’t know my own strength, because of the way I felt, I put everyone who loved me in pain…”

I saw that endless highway through the window.

“I thought I could do it, I can have my own business, keep my chin up, make my child proud, take care of everyone around me…”

“Every call this morning told me I’m a total failure…”

“I’m in debt to a lot of people, I can’t pay my child’s school fees. Now my child and his caretaker has nowhere to live, I have put burdens on everyone around me…”

That moment, as I felt like I should no longer exist, I heard a voice telling me, “pick up your child and jump!”

“Heavenly Father, sorry! I shouldn’t be the judge of a child’s life, but I don’t want him to become an orphan like me. Heavenly Father, why have I hurt my child again…”

In my heart another voice told me with confidence, “Get up! Today you will continue to journey on this walk of life.”

I received an indescribable peace and courage that instant.  I got up and told myself, “You can do it!”

I went to the fellowship that has been walking with me that night as if nothing happened.  I didn’t share with my brothers and sisters about what had happened.

“I want to tell everyone how great the Lord is, He…” Why would this brother’s story have anything to do with me? How come it seems like he’s encouraging me?

That voice in my heart spoke in my ear again, “Do you want to share what happened this morning?”

I started crying, how should I begin to tell everyone about my wrongdoings? Yet I knew I shouldn’t avoid it; so I started the story…

I cried, because of my flaws and weakness.

“Did you know you’re a wonderful mother?” my brothers and sisters told me. “You can do it!”

Can I really? I can’t really think anymore, I was so tired when I got home… “Heavenly Father, I’m sorry!” … And I dozed off…

“Father Lord, I’m so sorry!” I just wanted to apologize when I woke up in the morning.

I sat on my bed with my eyes closed, letting the sunrays dance over my eyelids. That yolky vast of yellow I saw inside my eyes brought me an indescribable sense of warmth.

“Father Lord, please tell me what to do. What will my tomorrow be like?” The yellow in my eyes turned white. “Heavenly Father, what does this mass of white mean? Will I be admitted into a mental asylum? Why is everything white?”

A breeze seemed to have picked up the slice of whiteness. “Father Lord, this piece of whiteness looks like Jesus’ robe when it floated.” Just as I said so, a hand reached out to me from within the robe. “Are You the Lord Jesus? You’re willing to walk the walk of life hand in hand with me?”

That voice I heard in my heart rang in my ear again, “the left hand holding your right is mine, remember that I’m with you every time you clasp your hands.”

“You still want to love me?” I recalled what happened the morning before. “I’m sorry, Lord Jesus!”

The hand that reached out to me drew back, and Lord Jesus stood ahead of me. I saw myself from behind. I took a blade and plunged it into Lord Jesus’ heart… “Why? Why am I hurting You”? You love me so! How can I hurt you like this…”

I cried as if I was falling apart! This is an unforgivable fault!

“Now you know that when you hurt yourself, I feel exactly as you do.  I’m crying, and my heart aches.” That voice revealed itself to me undeniably, that it was the Lord Jesus who had been speaking to me.

“Lord Jesus, I’m sorry! I won’t let myself hurt You… can I pull this blade out?”

“You will have to muster all your strength and courage, and use both your hands to do so.”

I saw myself raise my hands and pulled the blade out. “Lord Jesus, I won’t let myself hurt You anymore.”

“Now drop that blade.” I did as He said and tossed it aside.

An indescribable sense of love and peace rushed over my heart that moment, and I opened my eyes to look for the Lord’s words from the Bible.

“Father God, Lord Jesus, I’m finally completely by your side.  I’m beginning to know Your love, how the Father loves His daughter…”

“…I will be a Father to you, 
and you will be my sons and daughters, 
says the Lord Almighty…”

I don’t quite know how to thank You, since no amount of “praise the Lord” is enough to respond to Your love for me.  My Father, let me seek You with every drop, every day and night of my life, to stay in love with You.

I know that I will continue to testify to Your love as I cling onto your hands on this walk of life.

“Father God, Lord Jesus, I love You! My life picked up again because of You! My life is beautiful because of You.”

“…if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come…”

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